The High Court

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Judicial Review-Darth Strikes Back

June 7, 2006

 

The High Court of Sports welcomes back another of its founding members, the one and only Darth Reagan, as he sits down with The Chief Justice for some banter on the worlds of sport and politics.

 

Chief Justice: You've grown up in the Orlando area...it must do your heart good to see your neighbors to the south riding the Magic's former franchise player into the finals, right?  Surely you aren't bitter that Shaq is headed to his FIFTH finals (and seeking a fourth ring) since his exit from the Magic Kindom.

 

Darth Reagan: Thankfully, I’ve never been a Magic fan…..even when Shaq was in town. I started disliking them the day Magic GM John Gabriel cut me off on the highway with his “Magic 1” vanity plate. Not to mention I enjoyed watching Jordan average 39 against them.

 

Chief: I’m just glad you didn’t start an emotional discourse on Miami.  I know it’s your favorite entry port for illegal immigration.  I mean, if you can survive open water on a lawn chair, you earned your green card, right?  Is it fair to say that there's no bigger Dirk Nowitzki fan in America than Kobe Bryant right now?  I mean, other than David Hasselhoff, of course...

 

Darth: Ya, we always knew KITT was Hasselhoff’s wing man; looks like Kobe will be known as Shaq’s wing man from here on!

 

Chief: That was a fabulous German accent.  You probably picked that up when you were driving that BMW.  The future does look bright in Orlando all of a sudden.  Led by the man-child Dwight Howard and the improving Jameer Nelson, the Magic seem poised to break through for a playoff berth next season.  Still, I have $20 that says the Magic draft Fran Vazquez again.  Any takers?  And by the way, if the FBI calls, where did you bury John Weisbrod?

 

Darth: I had season tickets for the Magic last year and went to one game. I’m just not sold on the  Mousecateers here in Orlando. I like Howard and love Nelson; but I just can’t cheer for a team that hired John Weisbrod!

 

Chief: I’ll take your silence on Weisbrod’s location as an indication of guilt.  And we’ll leave it at that.  Is it true you and Pat Riley have the same stylist?  Is it true he still works out of a small shop off Bardstown Road in Louisville?

 

Darth: The Loop in Louisville is the place to be when it comes to high fashion. I used to go there when I had hair. Now I spend the majority of my days adjusting the three hairs left on my head. I’d give up all of our GLVC Championship rings from college to have Pat Riley’s hair……wait, we didn’t win any.

 

Chief: Hair or no hair, Riley’s got nothing on you.  Especially since you are Gregg Popovich’s twin brother.  Mavericks-Heat...who ya got?

 

Darth: I think the Mavericks win in 7 but I want the Heat to win. I’d love to see Shaq’s speech following a victory and it would be nice to see Wade holding some hardware because he’s a joy to watch.

 

Chief: I can’t argue with those sentiments.  It would be fun to see the Big Cocktail toasting South Beach.  You've been an A-Rod supporter as long as anybody I've known...but be honest...while it's a talented machine, nobody's driving that thing, right?  And how long will it be before he's found naked in a Yankee Stadium bathroom stall, crying and screaming, "DEREK, DEREK, DEREK!"

 

Darth: I don’t buy into the Hate-Rod mentality in NY. How can you hate a guy that comes in as an ex-MVP and reigning Gold Glover at SS and is moved to 3rd base with no complaints? He’s a pros pro….but he never should have talked openly about having a shrink….if he was in San Francisco it would play well, but not in the Bronx.

 

Chief: A-Rod’s a great player, but I’m wondering about his heart.  Is this guy the tin man?  He needs a big performance in a big moment to shut up the critics.  Speaking of big-game stars…Curt Schilling...Hall of Famer or self-serving loudmouth?

 

Darth: Schilling is a self-serving loud mouth Hall of Famer. 

 

Chief: I couldn’t have said it better.  Do you like it when they call you Big Papi?

 

Darth: Can’t stand much from Massachusetts. Talk about a love-fest in Boston…..you would think Ortiz was Ted Kennedy’s offspring….maybe he is?

 

Chief: Maybe so.  I’m sure Ted has been on a few political junkets to the Dominican Republic.  But how do we explain the fact that Ortiz is talented and can keep his balance?  I asked The Wig, so I have to ask you.  Rather have dinner with George Steinbrenner or Theo Epstein?

 

Darth: Epstein for sure….I love Torre, A Rod and Jeter but can’t stand Steinbrenner. Plus I could ask Epstein if I could play Air Guitar in his band.

 

Chief: Air Guitar in your hand, Air Supply in your stereo.  Are you glad Roger Clemens is back?  Is his mojo enough to right the Astros ship?  And do you have any problem with the concept of an athlete coming back just "for the money"?

 

Darth: I’m Old School on this one. It’s his career not mine; so as far as I’m concerned I want him to do what he wants. However, he should’ve mixed it up a bit by going to NY or Boston. Houston just doesn’t have the team to make it to the postseason which is Clemens’ ultimate goal.

 

Chief: Thank you.  It is his career.  I don’t care where he comes back to or why.  And why couldn’t he come back for the money?  Isn’t that why the rest of us work?  They say nobody celebrated Barry Bonds 715th homer.  But I bet you did.  Tell the people why.

 

Darth: I did celebrate. It’s a tremendous accomplishment in any era….it was nice seeing the best hitter in the past 50 years (a close 2nd to Ted Williams) pass the Babe.

 

Chief: Me too.  Steroids or no steroids, Bonds is one of the game’s all-time greats.  You are familiar with A.J. Pierzynski and you spent two years playing on the Bellarmine College infield with me.  Hated more by his opponents, me or A.J.?  Hated more by his teammates, me or A.J.?

 

Darth: Our opponents didn’t hate you but our coaches did….and our players didn’t hate you, you hated most of our players…A.J. is a classic antagonist, that’s why he’s on his 3rd team in 4 years. Much like The Chief, he’s a hell of a ballplayer…and for my money, there is nobody in the world I’d rather have on my team than The Chief! You had a pro mentality at a Little League program. Sad but true!

 

Chief: As long as we are starting a mutual admiration society…you are the second-best hitter I ever played with…behind Mike Greer.  Because you know it wasn’t easy for him to hit .135 while weighing 135.  And is it true that nothing gets a ballclub going like having batting practice in right field?

 

Darth: Sparking it up in right field is huge for team morale…Nothing helps brush away a 14 game losing streak like hauling a rickety batting tunnel 350 feet down the line.

 

Chief: Ahh…good times.  Is it true you just had lunch with Jack Abramoff?

 

Darth: We did have lunch, but it was on him. Actually, it was run through some off-shore pyramid he was trying to explain to me but I didn’t get all of the details…we kind of got sidetracked when the FBI cut our lunch short.

 

Chief: Next time you guys have lunch, the federal government might be picking up the tab.  Let's give Patrick Kennedy a break.  Everybody deserves a good night's sleep, right?

 

Darth: Every Camelot needs a court jester.

 

Chief: I think his Daddy got to that job first.  King Arthur should have tossed Pat’s dumb ass in the moat.  Would you rather share a cell with Tom DeLay or William Jefferson?

 

Darth: DeLay…our cell would be free of insects.

 

Chief: You Republicans always stick together.  Tell the truth...if Condoleeza Rice got her dream job of being NFL commissioner, it would take her under two years to turn the league into the USFL...

 

Darth: Yes, but the Rolling Stones wouldn’t be playing at halftime!

 

Chief: Not gonna let that one go, are you?  Dick Cheney MEANT to shoot that lawyer, didn't he?

 

Darth: He’s taken down many lawyers in his days, but this is one I think was truly an accident.

 

Chief: I look at this way…when Cheney says he’s riding shotgun…he means it.  Rush Limbaugh...conservative genius or fat drug addict?

 

Darth: Conservative Genius….isn’t that redundant?

 

Chief: Of course it is.  That question was submitted by Donovan F. McNabb.  You can dine with Al Gore or John Kerry...who ya got?

 

Darth: Unfortunately, I won’t be dining with Al Gore because the day after tomorrow is the end of the world….So I’ll stick with John Kerry. We’ll keep it short by going over his accomplishments as a US Senator.

 

Chief: Have him tell you about the time he went to Lambert Field in Green Bay.  And I see you are still a bit skeptical on global warming.  Sexier in a party dress...Madeleine Albright or Janet Reno?

 

Darth: I’ll have to choose the Nuclear Option on this one.

 

Chief: The right answer was Albright.  She’s got great legs.  She’s the only person on the planet who can hang with Pat Robertson in the leg press.  It's 2008...Hillary Clinton v. John McCain...you gonna vote or just leave the country?

 

Darth: Thankfully we won’t have to make this decision because two Democrats can’t run in the General Election.

 

Chief: That’s good stuff.  Can I see your green card?

 

Darth: No comprende!

 

Chief: Fair enough.  Now go clean the pool.  And finally...will the Florida Gators be college football's national champs this year?

 

Darth: You’ll have to see my next column to know the answer to that one….but I’ll guess you already know the answer!

 

Chief: I have a feeling I do.  Thanks for the visit, Darth…and for all of your contributions to The High Court over the past year.  We look forward to your return, and maybe we’ll hear from you before the Gators start two-a-days.

 

 

You can contact Darth at darthreagan@thehighcourtofsports.com

You can contact The Chief at chiefjustice@thehighcourtofsports.com