The High Court

Deep Thinkers Only...

Judicial Review-Return of The Wig

May 30, 2006

 

The High Court of Sports proudly welcomes back one of its founding members, The Honorable Powdered Wig as he sits down for a little judicial review with The Chief Justice.

 

Chief Justice: Would you like to start by discussing the Sawx-Yanks or the Barry Bonds saga? 

 

Powdered Wig: I think I’d rather take a rectal cavity exam.

 

CJ: Ouch.  Let’s just move on then.  Do you think Chris Kaman's married? Do you think he'll ever get married?  And does he have to pay Hulk Hogan royalties for the hairstyle?

 

PW: My 6 year old asked that very question during the Suns-Clippers series.  How do I answer that?  My guess is that yes, he is married, no she doesn’t like the hair, but yes she will spend the cash.  Hogan loses a steel-cage hair match-up with Kaman, and it wouldn’t even be close.

CJ: I have to be honest...I flat-out ripped off your 6 year old on those Kaman questions.  Give the people five reasons why Steve Nash is absolutely the MVP of the National Basketball Association. 

 

PW: Check the season stats for Reason No. 1 (Shawn Marion), reason No. 2 (Boris Diaw), reason No. 3 (Raja Bell), reason No.4 (Leandro Barbosa), and reason No. 5 (Tim Thomas).  They speak for Nash’s value to a team.
 
CJ: Give the people five reasons why we should all want to be Kobe Bryant's
friend (Ok, so I'll settle for one...). 

 

PW: 1. Because everyone needs at least one friend that is pompous and arrogant.   2. Because Raja Bell turned down his chance.

CJ: At least now I know why you’ve been my friend all these years...Tell the truth...this Nowitzki fellow turned out to be better than we thought. 

 

PW: Yeah, that’s true.  But can we really blame the Bucks for trading the rights to Dirk for Tractor Traylor on draft night in 1998?  I mean who knew Traylor wouldn’t eventually become Shaq Lite?
 
CJ:  You just formed the only sentence that could possible pair the Tractor and Lite together without making me laugh.  Wait...I still laughed.  You love Mark Cuban, don't you? 

 

PW: Yes, I do.  But not as much as TNT’s cameramen do.
 
CJ: And Mark loves them right back.  Who's your NBA Coach of the Year? 

 

PW: Larry Brown, Knicks.  For resisting the urge to shoot Isaiah Thomas.
 
CJ:  Brown actually did try to have Thomas knocked off.  He asked Stephon Marbury to shoot Thomas for him.  He missed.  Badly.  And often.  Did you notice I didn't ask you any questions about the Eastern Conference? Do you care? Does anybody? 

 

PW: Eastern Conference of what?

 

CJ: You are an evil comic genius.  And to wrap up the NBA, would you rather have Hubie Brown's enormous basketball intellect or his magnificent hair? 

 

PW: Now, what you want is a combination of both.  If you’re a up and coming basketball coach, you have to love the intellect aspect, but if you are a swinging bachelor you have to think you have a great shot with the ladies with the hair.

 

CJ:  Ladies and gentlemen, Hubie Brown.  Let’s move on to baseball, because I know the Wig is itching to discuss Sawx-Yanks or Barry Bonds a little more.

 

PW: Ugh.
 
CJ:  Moving right along then (Frankly, I was afraid we were going to get another rectal cavity reference right there)...I hate to ask...but are you using any sort of performance-enhancers while answering these questions? 

 

PW: Yes, I have to admit I tested positive for Mountain Dew and Ho-Ho’s and will begin my 50 day suspension tomorrow.

CJ: Mmm...Ho-Ho’s...Will Nomar Garciaparra win the National League batting title?

 

PW: Yes, his status as an ex-Cub assures him of a return to stardom.
 
CJ: Will Tommy Lasorda kiss him right on the mouth if he does?

 

PW: I’m afraid to go there.

 

CJ:  Is it my fault Chavez Ravine is just south of Brokeback Mountain?  Which Young brother is having a better year...super prospect Delmon (the bat tosser) or Tiger Dmitri (domestic violence charges and a trip to the DL)?

 

PW: Delmon is having the better year, simply because he won’t be called up to join the Devil Dogs.

CJ: I would say something clever...but Tampa Bay just isn’t funny anymore.  Is Jim Leyland that good in the dugout...or are the Tigers just prospering because somebody put the Omaha Royals in the AL Central? 

 

PW: No doubt Leyland is great, but it’s time for MLB to fire up the contraction machine again and set it rolling towards KC.

CJ: Your favorite Kenny Rogers...cameraman-shoving southpaw or
chicken-pushing, face-lift having crooner? 

 

PW: The singer.  Fried chicken puts him over the top.
 
CJ:  And ‘Coward of the County’ is one of the all-time great country songs.  Ozzie Guillen...Do you understand the words that are coming out of his mouth? 

 

PW: Yes, of course.  Don’t you?
 
CJ:  Of course I do.  Manglish is my second language.  Does Pittsburgh still have a big league franchise?

 

PW: Sure, the Steelers just won the Super Bowl, remember?

CJ:  How could I forget?  I had money on the Seahawks.  Has Dusty Baker been fired yet?  Is Sammy Sosa sticking pins in a Baker voodoo doll somewhere in the Caribbean?  Or is that an old syringe he's using? 

 

PW: I think you are onto something with the voodoo doll receiving injections.  The voodoo is definitely juiced up.  And I’m fairly certain that Sosa has a member of his entourage holding hostages to keep the front office from removing Baker from the debacle.
 
CJ: Dusty is doing a remarkable job impersonating the captain of the Titanic.  Michael Barrett just received a ten-game suspension for punching A.J. Pierzynski in the face.  Be honest...it was worth it, right?

 

PW: No doubt it was worth it for a variety of reasons.  1) He doesn't have to suffer through 10 future Cub collapses.  2) He can feel good that he made better contact than any of his teammates have lately and 3) Pierzynski had it coming since A.J. stands for Asinine Jerk.

 

CJ:  Shows you what I know.  I thought A.J. stood for Aunt Jemima.  Is it true Babe Ruth ran well for a fat man? Is it true David Wells doesn't? Tell us what they have in common besides gout...

 

PW: Yes and Yes.  Beer and hot dogs.  That’s about it for the similarities.

 
CJ:  Don’t forget their lifetime discounts at Thornton Melon’s Tall and Fat stores.  Who ya got in a steel cage special between Ozzie Smith and Tony LaRussa?
Would LaRussa be pissed if somebody ringside said, "The fur's really flying
now."? 

 

PW: I’m taking the Wizard over the Genius.  LaRussa might have a better game plan for the match, but Ozzie can whip up a magic spell setting LaRussa up for Ozzie’s signature move - the “backflip flop”.
 
CJ:  What, no comment on my reference to LaRussa’s status as a Bob Barker-esque animal rights activist?  I have to respectfully disagree.  I think LaRussa takes the Wizard down to the delight of PETA members everywhere. Tell the truth...even though you were a Cardinal fan for a while during your youth...Omar Vizquel is just as good as the Wizard.

 

PW: I’d have to say Ozzie is still better.  If you don’t believe me just ask him.
 
CJ: I did...and he agrees wholeheartedly with The Wig.  Has there ever been a better manager over the course of 162 games than Bobby Cox? 

 

PW: Probably not.  Now, if he could only get the playoffs to last 162 games.

CJ: Oooh.  Sticking the needle to Braves fans a little there, aren’t you partner?  But I do think the man is the best regular season manager ever.  That said, you think he misses Leo?

 

PW: No way.  That rocking crap was a little overdone don’t you think?
 
CJ: There you have it folks.  Leo Mazzone, self-promoter.  Speaking of self-promotion, you miss Bobby Valentine, don't you? 

 

PW: No.  I only wish he would be named the manager for Siberia’s WBC team for 2009.

 

CJ: You know what the most popular coffee order in Japan is?  The Bobby V. Chiba Lotte.  Thanks, I’ll be here all week.  Has anybody seen Roger Clemens?

 

PW: Police reports out of Arlington, Texas indicate that someone fitting Clemens’ description is thought to be carrying a blank check signed by Rangers owner Tom Hicks and is threatening to write in the amount of $15 million.
 
CJ:  If that thing doesn’t bounce over at the A-Rod Credit Union, we could be looking at an AL West title for the Rangers.  If you had to go to dinner with one of them...would you rather go with Theo Epstein or George Steinbrenner?

 

PW: George.  More money, more fun and less metrosexual.
 
CJ: Yeah, but will George put on a gorilla suit for you? And finally...can you say Assenmacher backwards? 

 

PW: Yes.  And did you know that Otto backwards is Otto?

 

CJ: I did not know that.  Live from the Palindrome, it’s The Powdered Wig.  And I know you were sitting there in your best Harry Caray saying, “Reh-cam-NESSA”. Wig, thanks for the time, the visit, and all of your contributions to the first season at The High Court of Sports.

 

You can contact The Powdered Wig at powderedwig@thehighcourtofsports.com

You can contact The Chief at chiefjustice@thehighcourtofsports.com